I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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