all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize