They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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