I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
