You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
