i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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