Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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