my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
