did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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