A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
