I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
