I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
