I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I would ride that face into the sunset
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
