just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
