so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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