I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
