College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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