I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
