I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
