i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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