On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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