I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
