Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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