It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
