Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
