When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
