mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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