I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
