I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
