hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
sex in a hospital.. check
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
im on a boat
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