sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
