Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
