so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
