Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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