There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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