Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
