My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
