come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
