please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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