Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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