I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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