Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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