Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
