oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
