This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Will exercising make me less horny?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize