can u get pink eye on your cock?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
