Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize