My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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