i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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