I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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