The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
