so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize