totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize