The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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