so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
