why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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