No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
