Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize