If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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