I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
