they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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